Archive for category Marriage and Family
Real Marriage: Part 1, Chapter 2 – Friends with Benefits
Posted by Erik in Book Reviews, Marriage and Family on February 1, 2012
I am on to chapter 2 of Mark Driscoll’s Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together. Sorry it took me so long to get the second chapter out, but I have had a few other things going on that have kept me busy.
This second chapter develops the idea of marriage beginning as a friendship. This is an interesting theme that, despite the Driscolls’ insistence that it appeared in none of the books they read on marriage, I have seen in just about anything I have read on the topic. (No doubt, this is a curious inconsistency which I can only attribute to reading different books on the subject.)
Mark develops the story of Martin Luther and Katherine von Bora’s marriage as a prime example of marriage trumping attraction, and given what I know about Katherine, I would have to say you could not have picked a better illustration. Katherine was, to put it charitably, not a looker.
Katherine von Bora
Over time, Martin and Katherine seem to have developed a bond grounded more in their shared interests and their own peculiarities than on physical attraction. Given that they had six children (two lived to adulthood), one can assume that the couple got past their physical differences and found happiness.
Personally, I feel that Driscoll is right on about the necessity of having friendship with your spouse, and he develops a theme that people forget too easily in this world of easy-out relationships. He writes:
…true friendship involves conflict and hard discussions as God reveals sin and repentance, and reconciliation takes place.
This declaration is beneficial not just in marriage but in all relationships. I have any number of friends who, over the years, have found some kind of small fault or slight on my part and abandoned the relationship. The most recent trend seems to be to declare their intention by “unfriending” me on Facebook. This is rather childish, if you ask me, but it is grounded in a fundamental misunderstanding of friendship.
Driscoll hits the nail on the head. Friendship must involve those hard discussions. My friendship with my wife has had to incorporate some very difficult conversations, about our pasts, our present and our future. At times, we have screamed until we wept; and more times than we care to remember, we have sat across from one another with no words left. Because we bare our souls to one another, our souls are able to entwine more closely. We find the Spirit of God healing the wounds by knitting us together.
You cannot assume you are friends with your spouse. You must take the time necessary to build that friendship, to know when and where certain things are appropriate, to know each other’s boundaries.
Of course, then Driscoll descends to one of my least favorite mnemonic devices, acrostic, to drive home the point. I shall reproduce the acronym without comment because I loathe devices like this like a snail loathes salt and a Yankees fan loathes the Red Sox:
F – Fruitful
R – Reciprocal
I – Intimate
E – Enjoyable
N – Needed
D – Devoted
S – Sanctifying
I have no problem with Driscoll’s point. I just don’t like acronyms and acrostics.
Let’s close with the closing line, written by both Mark and Grace:
also found that by always working on our friendship, the rest of marriage seems to sort itself out in time. So we would commend to you the goal of devoting the rest of your life to being a better friend to your spouse.
(As an aside: I would heartily agree, although I would also recommend that you develop one other, confidential and trusting relationship with a godly friend of your own gender – someone who can encourage you in your relationship to your spouse as well as be an outlet for you. This can be your pastor, a friend, a mentor or a peer. What is important is that they are going to encourage you by letting you vent and then giving godly advice that will strengthen your friendship with your wife.)
Real Marriage: Part 1, Chapter 1 – New Marriage, Same Spouse
Posted by Erik in Book Reviews, Marriage and Family, Reading on January 19, 2012
Mark Driscoll can be an arrogant chauvinist. He has admitted that freely, so I don’t think I am revealing anything he has not addressed himself.
When I finally went ahead and downloaded the controversial book Real Marriage, which he wrote with his wife Grace, it was not with the best of intentions. In fact, it was because he had given an interview with Justin Brierley in which Driscoll behaved himself like the animal Jesus rode into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday.
It takes a lot for me to pick up a book by Driscoll these days. I would like to say his behavior in the Brierley interview was unusual, but it isn’t. He can be a real jerk sometimes, and I was afraid that this book on marriage would be more of the same.
That being said, the book is #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list, and everyone in the blogosphere is buzzing about it – both good and bad. So, I laid down my $8 and bought the Kindle version of the book. (Bless you, Amazon, for saving me $14!)
Reading the first chapter, I encountered something I did not expect. First of all, Driscoll openly confesses to his chauvinism and anger issues. He calls his behavior sin, which further surprised me since in other books I have read from him, he justified his behavior.
What really caught me was that he was treading over years he covered in Confessions of a Reformissional Rev and exposing the pain that was going on in his heart during those years. A lot of his bombast and arrogance was tied to a deep, secret problem in his relationship with his wife Grace.
It is never easy to be in the public eye and have deep, emotional, sexual sin causing your spirit to twitch. Driscoll was very much in the public eye – by choice – while his private world was a disaster, despite appearances. And even his explanations that he provided in Confessions were false because he was hiding the real problems – perhaps even from himself.
I expected bombast and arrogance. What I encountered was the honest dialogue from Mark and Grace about their failings and sexual frustrations. It surprised me. It caught me off guard, and I had to put down a lot of the preconceived fears I had about the book.
I’ll let you know tomorrow if I feel the same way after reading chapter 2.
Where Have I Been?
Posted by Erik in Church, Marriage and Family on November 3, 2011
As the news media has told you repeatedly, we had a pretty nasty snow storm on Sunday. It is the first time it has snowed in October in my memory, and it was pretty awful. At the low point on Sunday morning, nearly 87% of Public Service of New Hampshire customers were out of power. By Wednesday evening, there were 450+ crews of utility workers from as far away as Tennessee and Quebec working on the lines, but even with that, there were over 54,000 customers without electricity by the time we went to bed.
With the power out, we had to find a place to stay. Nichole and I were going away for the night anyway, but when we got back on Monday we knew there would be no power. Then on Tuesday, Nichole was going in for her thyroid removal surgery. We got home from our getaway and started shuffling our family around.
Ariel spent time with four different people during the next couple of days while Nichole and I went to the hospital. It was a long couple of days. (Let me just say that our congregation is awesome and people have provided generously for our family during this time.)
Finally, this afternoon I brought Nichole home from the hospital – well, not quite home. We were still without power, so after she was released from the hospital, we went to another family’s home.
Hopefully, by the time you read this, we will be comfy at home. PSNH is working on streets close to our home, but we are trying not to set our expectations too high. Either way, Ariel will finally have school, so I will be driving to Merrimack early in the morning to drop her off.
An Open Letter to Teens on Social Networking
Posted by Erik in Marriage and Family, Social Media on August 9, 2011
This came up on Zite during my reading this morning (Zite is an iPad app that aggregates blogs and news feeds based on your interests), and I thought it was worth sharing. I read it on Social Media Today where it was reposted by Joellyn Sargent, but the actual letter appeared on her site Fresh Sprouts. Here is her letter to teens in its entirety.
Dear Friend,
We haven’t met yet IRL (in real life), but I’ve seen you online and…
we need to talk.You are growing up in a world where privacy is an old-fashioned concept. Almost everything you do is recorded, watched or monitored somehow.
We have cameras on our computers and cell phones, in stores, parks and on the highway. We check in on Facebook and Foursquare and whatever other check-in app you choose. Your phone goes everywhere you go, and the GPS on you phone always knows where you are.
Invasion of privacy used to mean my brother read my diary or the teacher intercepted a note about a cute guy and read it in front of the class. Times sure have changed.
Maybe you’ve been on social media since before you were born. (Did your mom or dad post those ultrasound pics on Facebook or MySpace or Flikr? I thought so.) Your whole life is there.
Yes, this is your world. It seems normal, I’m sure, because you’ve never known anything else. Maybe that’s why you don’t think twice before posting that crazy video on You Tube, or using those words (yes, the dirty ones that make your mother blush) on Twitter, and “OMG, did she really say that to him on Facebook?”
You’re in a relationship with social media and “It’s Complicated.”
Most of your parents don’t get it. (Sorry parents, it’s true.)
Well, let me tell you the hard truth that you don’t like to think about:
People are watching.
That creepy guy at the mall?
Yep, he’s online and he can read your Twitter stream.That jerk you wish you never met?
He can Google you and get your life story in a flash.Yes, Google indexes your Facebook feeds and your tweets and lots of other things you forget about 5 minutes after you post them.
The Internet never forgets.
I heard on the news that the FCC (people who set the rules for the Internet) have decided it’s OK for people to do social media background checks.
That means that 10 or 15 years from now when you apply for that really cool job that you’ve been dreaming about since your were, oh, the age you are right now, the people thinking about hiring you can pull up all those old message you forgot about and WOW…won’t they be surprised?
Is that what you want for your future you?
What about right now?
Would you stand up in front of a million people today and do that sexy dance or act like an idiot or talk about how you drank too much when you weren’t old enough to drink at all? Really? 1,000,000 people? What about 1,000 people? Or even 15 people? Probably not.
Well, tweet about it and you have the power to reach a lot more than 1 million people. PEOPLE. YOU. DON’T. KNOW.
Just because you don’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t out there. They are.Ask former Rep. Weiner. Or Gilbert Gottfried. Lots of people saw their messages, and look where it got them.
It’s not a secret.
Maybe your mom and dad don’t know you are on Twitter. You went behind their back and created that account, so no one will ever know except the 1579 friends you’ve collected on Facebook (including the ones you’ve never met).
How many of those people are who they say they are? You can be anyone you want to be online, right? Do you really know your “friends”?
My point is that you need to be CAREFUL online.
I’m not that old, but the world sure has changed since I was a kid. People used to talk about being “street smart,” which meant that you knew a thing or two about life and weren’t likely to be taken advantage of or do something that could get you in trouble – and I mean real trouble, not just the kind where you get grounded for a week or have your phone taken away.
The new “street smart” is “social smarts.” There’s way more trouble online, just waiting for you if you’re careless. And you might not see it coming.
I’m not trying to scare you, but wake up.
Protect your privacy online. Be careful what you post. Think twice.
Would you want your grandma to see that? Then it probably shouldn’t be online.
It’s really hard to undo social media mistakes. Mom and Dad can’t bail you out. You can’t buy your way back from a bad reputation. Poor judgement will follow you, because the Internet never forgets and yes, people are watching.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of social media. It’s a great tool for sharing, communicating and staying in touch. But any tool, when it’s misused, can create a lot of damage.
Don’t let that happen to you.
Have fun, but be careful out there. Please.
REVIEW – Out of a Far Country
Posted by Erik in Book Reviews, Marriage and Family on June 16, 2011
I am a harsh critic of Christian books. I don’t like books designed to give warm fuzzies and a false sense of security to a bloated and yet anemic market of Christians clammering for mediocre works that don’t focus on Jesus Christ and his revolutionary Way.
I don’t like most Christian books, Sam-I-Am!
That being said, when I saw Christopher Yuan’s Out of a Far Country at Waterbrook-Multnomah’s Blogging for Books site, I knew I needed to read it. Yuan’s book, which is co-written with his mother Angela, is the story of his redemption from a particularly dark journey. It is the story of his family learning how to forgive, how to walk in truth, and ultimately how to be transformed.
I have gay and bisexual acquaintances and friends. They have been classmates, students and coworkers; but most importantly, they have been human beings and that means God loves them.
The typical evangelical responses to homosexuality are usually either a kind of awkward patronization or a reactive hatred. We are not really equipped to handle the idea of someone having an alternate sexuality. (It is perhaps bigger than evangelical circles, but I will restrict this statement to that niche for the time being.)
Yuan’s entire point in telling his story is not to condemn homosexuals. In fact, he still considers himself a homosexual. He tells his story to demystify this idea of “sexual identity” – a pop psychology concept that does far more damage than good. He explains quite plainly that we do not get our identity from our sexual preferences. We get our identity from God, and a heterosexual who is not committed to God is just as lost as a homosexual.
Christopher Yuan is still gay. He teaches at Moody Bible Institute.
Wait – think about that one for a moment.
Christopher Yuan has chosen God’s definition of holiness over his own sexual identity. God did not zap him straight, anymore than God zaps an adulterer married. Christopher has submitted his will to that of the Father, and he has chosen to be celibate.
As he puts it, “The opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality. The opposite of homosexuality is holiness.”
I won’t say that this book is perfect.
It gets a little bogged down in the middle where you get the impression that every homosexual is sexually reckless, drops Ecstasy every day and travels the country going from rave to rave. (They don’t. Most homosexuals live and work just like their heterosexual counterparts.) I felt that a little bit of a disclaimer in this section would have been in order, because it really does convey an inaccurate image of gay life. You can imagine the uproar if a homosexual author used Wilt Chamberlain as an example of the average heterosexual!
That aside, this book is an excellent starting point for evangelical Christians trying to wrap their minds around homosexuality. I would also highly recommend Who Is My Enemy? by Rich Nathan. The chapter on homosexuals is worth its weight in gold.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I received a free copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of this review. There was no requirement placed upon me for the content of this review.
Tags: homosexuals, gays, christopher yuan
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Valentine’s Day Is Here
Posted by Erik in Ancient History, Marriage and Family, Things We Shouldn't Discuss on February 14, 2011
February 14 is the Festival of St. Valentine. Unfortunately, there are no fewer than fourteen guys named Valentine on the Roman Catholic tally of saints, so no one is completely sure which one is being memorialized. It might be that the day is reserved for all of them – sort of like Veterans’ Day, I guess.
The best candidate for being the original St. Valentine is a Roman priest named Valentinius who was martyred during the reign of Claudius Gothicus, around the year 270 CE. Although the details are sketchy, Valentinius was apparently caught in the act of performing Christian marriages – which was punishable by death.
Claudius took a liking to Valentinius and probably would have spared his life, but Valentinius took the overtures of friendship as indicators that Claudius might be interested in converting to Christianity. Valentinius was – mistaken.
The emperor had him hauled outside of town and clubbed. When that didn’t kill him, they stoned him. When the executioners got tired of that, they just whacked off his head with a sword.
What does this teach us? That Hallmark can turn anything into a cash cow.
Dating Christian Chicks and Such…
Posted by Erik in Doesn't Fit in a Category, Marriage and Family, Videos on December 27, 2010
On this fine gentleman’s website, he humbly reports:
Pure Attraction is the authority on dating and attraction for the modern Christian man.
Now, I have a lot of issues with this statement, as well as his introductory video where he informs his audience, “You won’t hear this from a pastor or a youth pastor.”
First of all, he is approaching his subject matter with an overconfidence in his understanding of a relational dynamic that I’m not sure he understands.
I don’t mean to be critical, but you should never take dating advice from anyone who has any two of the following qualities:
- Unmarried middle-aged men
- Metrosexuals who were those stupid shirts
- Web communication specialists
- Speaks with creepy pauses and awkward smiles
Since the guy in the video (he goes by Greg D.) meets all four of these criteria, you should steer clear of his advice.
If you’re interesting in how to meet a Christian women you find attractive, allow me to suggest this.
- Approach her but stand a respectful distance from her
- Meet her eyes and smile
- Open with this revolutionary line: “Hi. My name is ____.”
Then go from there. I’ve only been married for 11 years, so I might be a little rusty. But this is how I meet people as a pastor, and I assume it works for pretty much any situation. It is certainly a better approach than joking about a woman being in a motorcycle gang, treating her like your little sister, or acting like a stalker.
UPDATE: Since writing this post, pureattraction.com has pulled all of their videos and their website. This is unfortunate, but in a way it is also a valuable lesson. In the information age, you can say anything you want, but be warned that people will call you on it when you do.
BOOK REVIEW – Happily Ever Laughter
Posted by Erik in Book Reviews, Marriage and Family, Reading on May 26, 2010
Ken Davis is a funny guy – the first time you hear him speak. No, that’s not fair. I am sure that he is a very funny person all the time; but his public speaking tends to be a repackaging of the same jokes he’s been telling for the last twenty years.
I did not know Ken was the editor and one of the contributors of Happily Ever Laughter. But once opening the book and encountering the same joke he told in a video (on VHS) I have from 1990, I knew what to expect.
Don’t get me wrong. The advice that is in this book is good advice. Unfortunately, most of the humor is rather dry and not particularly interesting. I found myself skipping over the cutesy honeymoon stories to get to the ‘application’ part I knew was coming. And before too long, I wasn’t even reading those.
Happily Ever Laughter is cute. It would make a good gift, I suppose. But in terms of actual content and/or comedy, it falls short of anything greater than mediocrity.
I received this book free from Tyndale House Publishers as part of their book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
Book Review – Wild at Heart
Posted by Erik in Book Reviews, Marriage and Family, Reading on May 2, 2010
Has it really been ten years since John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart was published? I guess so.
This book was one of the first books to say, “Christian guys don’t need to be pansies” and for that, Eldredge deserves major props. I’ve blogged about this attitude previously, so I won’t rehash my comments here. I agree with Eldredge – wholeheartedly.
But my favorite part of Wild at Heart is not what Eldredge writes about men but what he writes about women. “Every woman years to be fought for…Every woman wants and adventure to share...Every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil.” That alone is worth the price of admission.
If you don’t know, I love everything about women. When someone wrote about “Wine, women and song,” he was writing about the three things that express God’s creative diversity and complexity better than anything else on earth. They’re the most awesomely, paradoxically, perplexingly beautiful creatures God ever thought of. And the one who lives with me as my wife is the pinnacle of his art!
And this is where Eldredge is at his best, speaking about the relationship between man and woman. He enjoys all men to rise above the silly feminine idea of a man that pervades the church. Let the women be women, and you be a man. Sweep your wife off her feet, let he feel desired and fought for, and invite her into a grand adventure of life together. Love your wife with a masculine intensity that does not allow you to take her for granted or put her on a shelf. This is the core of his thoughts, although he expands far beyond it.
I’ve read Wild at Heart before, and while I don’t agree with everything Eldredge says, I do think that this one idea is worth the price of the book. It is close to my heart because it is something I had to face in my marriage. We had to unlearn the way I thought I was supposed to love my wife and rebuild our marriage almost from the ground up. It was hard, and I’m not bragging, but I don’t know if most marriages would have survived it; but ours did. And it was in no small part thanks to God speaking to me through Wild at Heart and teaching me a better Christian masculinity.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
A Good Woman Is…
Posted by Erik in Marriage and Family, Personal on March 2, 2010
…Not afraid to look a little nervous
…or serious
…or a little crazy.
…a friend to all
…regardless of age
…or skin tone
…or nation of origin
…or language (Bob and Paul are deaf)
…or questionable level of sanity.
Yeah, my wife Nichole is a good woman. She isn’t a ‘home maker’ and she’ll never be (and does not want to be) a master theologian. She is, however, awesome; and I know I’m not the only person who loves her for being just who she is.
God, thank you so much for my wife.
Thank you for the gift of love that brings us together
Thank you for the gifts you give to others through her.Make her strong when she needs to be strong
And soft when she needs to be soft.
And always guide her in your wisdom.
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